Monday, May 2, 2011

Dfest's Dating Donts: The Italian Job

Date: May 2008
Time: High Noon
Location: Cafe Algiers, Harvard Square
Codename: The Italian Job

I met the Italian Job through OkCupid, during my initial and painful "put yourself out there" phase. The only facts I knew about him included: his name, his age (28), his employment status (graduate student)and that he was off-the-boat Italian. Being such an Italophile, this appealed to me.

We decided to meet for coffee at Cafe Algiers. Because I had just suffered through a string of terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad dates leading up to this, I recommended to the Italian Job that we meet at Cafe Algiers for afternoon coffee--ensuring a short date in a T-accessible location.

I showed up on time. The Italian Job did not. (tardy = -10 points)

He did not text or call to indicate his tardiness. (rude = -10 points)

He showed up as I was finishing my first Cafe Royal (delicious) and upon giving him the once over, it appeared that he hadn't brushed his teeth in 28 years and hadn't been to sleep in two days.

As it turned out, he confirmed that hadn't been to sleep in two days. On the other hand, his dental hygiene, or lack thereof, was not confirmed or denied, but I maintain my 28 year evaluation. (British teeth = -5 points)
Without apologizing for his tardiness, he set out to tell me his tale of woe that led to said sleep deprivation.

He had been partying the night before in Brookline, but lived in Medford. At some point, he got into a fight with his friend. Although he didn't share the details of the fight, it had something to do with calling his friend a homo and telling him he wanted to punch all gay people in the face--thus causing the rift. This friend also happened to be his ride home to Medford. Unfortunately for the Italian Job, his friend left him behind in a fit of rage. He was now stranded in Brookline. (homophobia = -10 million points)

It took a while, but apparently The Italian Job was finally able to hail a cab. The cab only made it 1/2 way to Meffa before the Italian realized he didn't have any money to pay for what was becoming a very costoso ride. He asked the cabbie to take him to an ATM; the cabbie obliged.

While operating the ATM machine, The Italian Job remembered that he only had about $24 left in his account. He withdrew the limited resources, thus depleting his bank account, paid the cabbie, got in a fight with the cabbie for not having enough for a tip, called the cabbie a homo and was then left on the side of the road. Penniless. Stranded. Again.

Sidenote: the weirdest part is that while he is telling me this story, he seems amused, giddy, and oddly proud.

His only backup plan was to start walking. Aimlessly. They don't have boy scouts in Italy, and in times like these, it really shows.

The Italian Job eventually walked himself to Medford, where he took a nap and overslept and missed his bus---thus making him late to our coffee date. (Being an idiot = -20 points)

At this point, his tale ends; he informs me he still has no money and I'll have to pay for his breakfast. (??? = -10)

Now I ain't sayin that I'm a gold digger, but I ain't messin wit no broke, broke.

That said, I did buy the Italian Job two cups of coffee and an omelet. I was perfectly happy to do this because it felt like I was doing a good deed...providing nourishment for the less fortunate and more douchey.

After about an hour, I told the Italian Job I had a dentist appointment (some of us care about our teeth and gums) and took leave.

I got a text from him about 15 minutes later, telling me that he really liked me and couldn't wait to go out again.

This didn't surprise me. I mean, a guy's gotta eat.

Score: 15/100 (ie Epic Fail)


  1. BAHAHAHAHAHA Oh Danielle. Your dating tales of woe are both hilarious and tragic. Tragic being that you are a fantastic, smart, beautiful and hysterical catch (who embraces dental hygiene). Sorry about the Italian Job Homophobe. It was nice of you to feed him before sending him back into the wild.

  2. <3 <3 <3 i especially love that your excuse getting out was a dentist appointment. so cheeky!!