Soulmating?

I recently saw Titantic in 3D (not recommended--it still ends the same way; Jack still dies).  Nonetheless, it got me thinking about soulmating and about the idea of true and perfect love.

Do you believe in the notion of romantic soul mates?  Me?  I'm very Fox Mulder about it in that, I want to believe.  

But really, I'm just not sure anymore.  What do you think?

My new boyfriend

I have a date with this man every night.

Okay, okay, Mr. Shaun T of the Insanity workouts is not actually my boyfriend.  But he is the CFO of this wolfpack...Chief Fitness Officer.  And he is kicking my ass (and abs and arms and back) every day.

I plan to be shredded in 60 days. Have you tried Insanity or other gym-less workout systems?  Do you want to?  

Ten Ways to Get the Right Guy to Like You

I think I like this kid.

He makes some good points, in a compelling dramatic manner. I appreciate his style, wordsmithing, references to pop culture, and passion. Of course, I completely disagree with his opinions of the Jersey Shore and Britney Spears. Obviously.

What do you guys think?

Greatest Hits: If you join, he will come

So, as you may have guessed from our co-authored blog, D and I are besties.  We have been friends for almost nine years.  We went to college together.  At Wellesley.  We have spent many a drunken night at Bell in Hand (I miss you, Boston).  In short, we love theychuothers.  So it is with nothing but the spirit of that love that sometimes even I have to laugh at the crazy antics Danielle gets herself into with boys.  This hilarious post chronicles her online correspondence with some less-than-worthy-of-her-wonderful suitors.  It cracks me up and is one of my very favorites from the first year of W&W.

Revisit it for yourself here.

xo kate

GTL Thursday: Somebody please tell him who the eff I is.

Sounds about right.

Why they think you're single. And why they are probably wrong.

It's the most annoying question and they just can't help asking you.  
It's the question that has no good answer.  
It's the question that when people stop asking it, makes you feel even worse.  

Why are you single?  ~Liz Tuccillo

If you are like me (single and nearing 30) then by some standards, you are living an "alternative" lifestyle.  And I'm sure you've noticed that your nearest and dearest are not only perplexed by your singledom (You are soooo fun! Why hasn't someone snatched you up?), but they also have an opinion about it (Might you be tooo funny on dates? Hmm?), as well as advice on how to change it (You should talk less and whatever you do, don't tell any funny stories!)  Gotcha.  Thanks.  I'll just plan to sit there and imitate a cabbage.

Maybe it is your mum who just can't lock up her opinions on your dating life...or lack thereof.  Or perhaps it is your sister who thinks she knows exactly why you are such a loser-in-love.  Your grandmother might have a few choice words about "men today"  and "what they are really after..."  Or maybe the Starbucks barrista thinks you look lonely in the morning. Or the pizza delivery man. Your manicurist.  The doorman.  You get the idea.

The point is, you probably know someone who at one point or another, has inserted themselves into a conversation about your romantic shortcomings.  And unfortunately, some are more tactful than others.

Now, if you have been blessed by Cupid himself, and in effect have never needed such tidbits of amorous advice, have no fear. I've collected the top soul-mating "suggestions" that I have heard from friends and family...with my two cents wrapped in, of course.  Some are admittedly helpful and accurate, while others are so nonsensical they might as well be written in parseltongue.

In essence, this post is a de-bunking of the dating ratings that fly around and often torture us. So here we go...in no particular order: Why they think you are single, and why they are probably wrong.

You are too intimidating.
What about us ladies is intimidating?  Take me for example.  I'm 5 foot 5 inches tall.  My nails are pink. I don't bite. I can't kill a spider without experiencing minor heart palpitations. I need help hanging pictures and lifting heavy objects.  I only walk around the city at night armed with the rape whistle my Dad gave me.

Puss n' Boots, aliens, the economy, fascism, the omnipresence of Ryan Seacrest, the near arrival of the Matrix--those are things that should scare you.  But me? Why should I intimidate you?  Because I have a college education?  A job?  A baller wolfpack?  Player, please. It is 2011.  Most of us have jobs and masters degrees and friends.

You are unique and awesome and wonderful and just haven't met someone worthy of you.
Awww...you're sweet.  Really and truly.  But honestly:  I am no special snowflake.  There are plenty of smart, fun, kind, attractive women out there.  I am merely one of the masses.

You don't give guys a chance.
Tell me, wise people.  How many chances is appropriate?  How many times should we go out with someone when we already know, in our heart of hearts, that there is nothing there?  I have gone on 2, 3, even 6 dates with people that had zero appeal to me.

• One guy peed 4-6 times on every date; awkwardly, I went out with him 3 times. It remains unclear if he had a small bladder, IBS, a coke habit, a fear of germs, or a fear of me. 
• Another guy couldn't kiss a woman to save his life.  He raped my face every time he tried.  I put up with it for about 3 months.  And considered buying stock in Oil of Olay.
• This same dude refused to acknowledge we were dating.  After 3 months, I introduced him at my birthday party as a "friend of the romantic nature."  He reprimanded me, in front of my friends, and suggested that I refer to him instead as my "colleague".  But wait, because here is the kicker: we did not work together.  
• Another guy was a self declared manorexic.  We went out twice.  I went home hungry...twice...and friggin housed a bag of pop chips and a tub of Sabra hummus. 

How many dates is enough?  How many dates is fair?  How many dates is leading someone on?  How long until I've made my point?

You only like the ones you can't have.
This gem of advice, I actually buy.  Sometimes it does seem that we are only attracted to unavailable men.

And sometimes it seems that when we are interested in a fella, he doesn't want to give us the time of day.

And the fools we choose to ignore?  They. won't. stop. texting.

I have two theories about this:
a) Men might love unavailable, aloof women, almost as much as we girls love too-cool-for-school bad boys.

Consider this:  if you showed up at a man's house and presented him with a stuffed and preserved moose head, he would probably be confused and even repulsed by the gift.  However, if he went out into the woods himself, stealthily and cleverly hunted and shot the creature...he would be thrilled and proud to hang the ugly dead thing up in his man cave.


Lesson:  men like to hunt almost as much as we like to talk about our feelings. It is not an absolute need.  It should not be a driving force in your life. But it is there. And it is okay.

b) It only takes one time for the feeling to be mutual and requited and harmonious and right.  Until then, it is a bloody mess.

You aren't ready for love.
I didn't realize we had to be Siddhartha Gautama or a friggin Jedi in order to unlock the pearly gates of love.  Give me a break before I slice off your hand with my light saber.

You are gay. 
I don't know.  Are you?  I'm not. But sometimes I wish I were. Might add breadth to my wardrobe?  Double my shoe collection? But then I remember that many of the same constraints would still hold true.  And also I like boys.

There are no good men left.
This doesn't insult me.  But if you are a single man, it should insult you.

If you didn't have bad luck, you wouldn't have any luck at all.
This is my mom's take on my love life.  And I'm pretty sure its accurate.

You are too picky.
"Picky" insinuates that we are selective.  Is that a bad thing?

Riddle me this: what is the opposite of being selective?  Settling?  Hmm.  Do you want me to settle?  Did you settle?  I sincerely hope you didn't.

People say life is too short, but I say life is too long.  It is too long to be tied to people who don't make you happy and bring out the best in you.  So just give me some time to find the right one, instead of settling down with the wrong one.

You are trying too hard.  When you least expect it, you'll find love.
Everyone says this.  And I might be on board.  But not because fate is a bitch or the cosmos are effing with us.

Rather, when are we not looking for love around each and every corner, we actually have time to genuinely enjoy life!  We enjoy our family, friends, pets, and hobbies.

We take golf lessons, and learn to sew and master the art of changing a flat tire.  We start businesses and keep journals and ask about our mothers' childhoods.  We judge JWoww's latest plastic surgery and we praise Lady Gaga's latest fashion stunt. We experiment with new meatloaf recipes, and re-read a tattered and worn favorite novel.

And when we're surrounded by all the awesomeness of our lives, we become the happiest, bestest, purest, chillest version of ourselves, and that my friend, not only attracts, but also cultivates relationships and romance and love--in all forms.

And it is in that vein that brings to mind my best piece of advice:  do more of what makes you happy.

So there you go.

Tell me:  what did I miss?  Where am I wrong?  Did any of that ranting actually make sense?  What is your one ultimate piece of love advice?

Oh baby, I reconsider my foolish notion. Well, I need someone to hold me, but I'll wait for something more.

Is pounding sand like beating the beat up? If so, count me in.

One more online dating email exchange that I just couldn't keep to myself.  

Is pounding sand like beating the beat up?

Here is what you need to know:
1. This gem of a fellow is over 30 years old and
2. is over 6 feet tall.
3. Has a graduate degree and is listed as "self employed". 
4. This is real life.  I didn't make it up.  Pinky swear.
5. The first part of his first message to me is copy and pasted directly from his dating profile


HIM:
So I like to joke around. A lot. 
If you can't handle it, go pound sand.

So, let's talk. Basically, you're on here trolling around an online dating site because you can't seem to find a guy who will date you in the real world. Does that about sum it up? This website is like a fishbowl of goldfish... all swimming upside down (because they're dead, dim wit). Biological viability. What is it? Let's just say that if this is the penultimate result of your dating life, yours is in question. Pretty abysmal, isn't it?

So, do you actually want to get a date out of this online thing, or are you one of these girls that just likes to expose themselves socially online so you can collect a bunch of losers with no balls telling you how beautiful you are? Well, before I'm willing to even TALK to you, you are going to need to answer 3 questions (see below). I don't have time to waste with "beautiful disasters" looking for another free dinner. I'm not one of those guys that will put up with your B.S. Those guys are weak.

I'm the best catch on here, PERIOD. Don't buy it? Fine. Troll along. Your loss. I'll be the guy over here, having a fantastic life... lol.

If you would like to respond to me, I would prefer you start by answering 3 questions:
1) how is your relationship with your father?
2) when was the last time you had your cell phone (cable, electricity, etc) shut off because you didnt pay the bill?
3) in one word, what is the most important part of a (romantic) relationship?

so what's the catch?  i mean, if you're really such a good find, why are you still single?


DFEST:
To be honest, I'm just a beautiful disaster looking for free dinners...even though I'm not broke and my cell phone has never been turned off.

Or maybe my dad ruined me. We have a great relationship and he is one of my best friends.

Or maybe I just love my life too much and am not particularly interested in settling for anything less than awesome. A healthy balance of respect, friendship and passion. The most important things in a relationship.

Whatever.


HIM: 
hey ;o)

one would think that you would have been able to formulate this response quicker, given your high level of education (graduate degree) and all.

although, i do like the formulaic structure of both this response and your overall profile-especially the deceivingly detached (yet specifically addressing) suggestions followed by distinct, and personal, affirmations.

great sentence and paragraph symmetry too. suggests to me that you have a background in music, or at least a affinity for poetry.

i have heard this, "not willing to settle for anything less (than) awesome" idea A LOT from women. I think it's important to remember that one attracts what they are.
well, i have to go! talk later!
***
I think my dude needs to go pound some sand of his own.

Guest Post: Men are from mars, and women are from...somewhere entirely different.

Hey lambchops.  Happy Hump Day.  

As you know, I love to talk and blog and complain and philosophize and ruminate on the magical worlds of dating and romance.  My stories, however, are usually one-sided, in that I don't get a post-mortem/explanation/evaluation from the dude.  In an effort to present you with a broader perspective, I've recruited my lovely friend and colleague Julia Mayer to share a tale with the wolfpack.  


Although I ordered Julia's first book, I confess that I haven't read it yet; my mom stole it and won't give it back.  Once I do, I'll let you know the 411 on the Eyes in the Mirror.  In the meantime, Julia is here to chat you up and give you a little he said/she said dating action.  Enjoy!

***

I can’t, in good faith to my publicist, write a blog post these days without plugging my book, Eyes in the Mirror, published by Sourcebooks August 1. You can find it at your local bookstore here: http://bit.ly/mtqNld or on Amazon: http://amzn.to/mLxONw. I will say that the book is not about dating advice, though it does involve showing two sides of the same story, which is what I’ll do below.

As an author, I have the wonderful benefit of being able to make up my own truth and have the characters interpret it however I want them to. In real life, it’s not so simple. I have a small group of guy friends, who I’ll dub Clueless Boys. Despite being sweet, and well meaning, and having big hearts, they’re completely mystified by the girls they want to date.

At a bar one night, a friend of mine told me this story. Names have been changed for everyone’s benefit.

“I met this girl, Sarah, at a party at a friend’s house. I thought she was cute right away, so I started talking to her. Turned out we had some shared interests in education so asked for her number in order to set up a lunch to talk about what she’s up to in schools, etc. She gave it to me and I called her and we set up a lunch.

“We had a great time at lunch; we talked for hours. We wound up spending most of the day together. Then I called her and suggested we go out for a drink to continue the conversation. We did. Then she called and suggested we go dancing. That sounded like a certain date, but there were two problems. First, I already had plans at the time she suggested with a male friend. Second, I was nervous since I’m not a very good dancer. Not wanting to turn her down, I accepted and invited my friend to come with us.

“At the bar, she was really flirtatious, we danced, we talked, we had fun. At some point I wanted a smoke and she doesn’t smoke, so me and my friend went outside to have a cigarette then came back in. We only stayed for a little while after that, then my friend left and I walked her home. I wanted to kiss her at the end of the night but I was too nervous so I just said goodnight and left. Now she’s not returning my calls- to be expected, I guess, I never really had a chance wit her.”

I twitched violently through most of this story at the obvious mistakes made. Not only had he once had a chance with her, he had blown it too. So I asked if it would help him to hear the story told again, as she was telling it to her friends at brunch on Sunday.

Here’s what happened from her perspective:

I met a guy at a party at my friend’s house. He started talking to me and seemed sweet. Turned out we had some similar interests in education and stuff, so when he asked for my number and suggested we get lunch. Lunch is a good pre-date. We totally hit it off. Then a few days later, I met him after work to “finish the conversation” over drinks. We had a great time again, but now I felt like, you know, this was a date. So it was pretty weird that he didn’t really make a move. I think he liked me, but it was a little hard to tell.

Thinking I would give him another chance…maybe he was nervous? I called and asked him to come dancing with me. CLEARLY a date. So I get there and he’s brought a friend with him. A guy friend, so not another girl, but come on. You don’t bring your guy friends on a date with a girl you actually like. Now on top of that, we’re dancing and flirting and he interrupts it to go outside with his friend and smoke. Leaving me alone in the bar. He knew I didn’t smoke, like, could he not have waited for a couple of hours.

So finally, I think I get a sign that he likes me: he walks me home. [Here all of her friends say: awwww, that’s so cute…] I think so too at first, really sweet, right? Like how cute, we weren’t even that close to my house. But we get all the way home and he doesn’t hold my hand. He doesn’t put his arm around me. He most certainly doesn’t kiss me goodnight. So I figured, ok, that’s it. He’s just not interested. And then, only after all of that, does he start calling me on a regular basis. If he was interested, he would’ve already made the move. And I know I shouldn’t be pissed, but I’m kinda pissed. Why go through all of this if he just wants another friend?

These are the questions he asked after hearing the story:

Was it so wrong to bring my friend?

Yes. Just yes. You had two options here: cancel with your guy friend (who would’ve been totally fine with it) or suggest an alternate date. Bringing a friend is clear “just friends” territory.

Why can’t I leave her alone in a bar?

If she’s as hot as you say she is, she’s going home with someone else. Other guys are going to see that you’re not interested and move in.

What else could I have done?

Use the word “date.” Seriously. You have no idea how much this helps. Half the time I go on a date, I have no idea whether we’re on a date or just getting dinner until you offer to pick up the check (we can leave the who-should-pay argument for another day, but ladies, cut the guy some slack on this. It’s really a damned if you, damned if you don’t situation).

Little gestures like holding hands or putting your arm around her are also really good signals- I know they seem small, but they’re the things that make the friends swoon at brunch, and that’s part of what keeps the chick interested.

So here’s the take away from this sad story: Gentlemen, be clear and open about what you want and your intentions. And if you’re interested, go the extra mile to show it. You really do confuse us. Ladies, cut they guy some slack. He’s doing a lot of the hard work here and you’re pretty baffling to him, too.

If you join it, he will come.

Confession time: after a long sabbatical, I'm back in the online dating scene.  Whenever I tell people this in person, they almost all say "Good for you!" as if I'm on a new diet, or completing another masters degree, or finally watching "Parks and Recreation".

It turns out that online dating is a sort of litmus test these days. If you are single, and you are not managing your personal brand, "winking" at folks, and setting up coffee dates, well then dog-garn it, you just don't want it bad enough. And by "it", I mean "love".


Years ago, people were mortified to admit that they were paying for Match.com, or that they met their spouse on e-harmony. That stigma has now passed, replaced by the over-generalized notion that online dating is the answer to every single person's partner-less "problems". If you join it, he will come. 

Apparently, my soul mate is a member of an online dating site at this very moment;  he is probably logged in right this second--and if I just try hard enough and long enough, we'll meet for drinks and fall in love and cash in on the elusive ROI known as sparks.

Or something.

So, I'm giving it a try--a real try.  In the past few weeks, I've met some nice, kind, fun men...along with some dull, strange, not-so-nice men.

The nice men genuinely give me a fluttery, girly sort of hope that my time online is spent wisely.  The not-so-nice men are being stored away for my tell-all book that will make me rich and famous.  They'll make a movie about my life (I'll play myself, of course) and then I'll move to Big Sky Country and marry a rancher.  Or James Franco.  Whichever comes first.

In the meantime, I'm just loving life.  Doing the things I enjoy with the people I care about.
In the meantime, I try to shake the pressure and remind myself that I'm only 29.
In the meantime, I thought I'd share the experience with you.


Luke Wilson once said, "It's always been my personal feeling that unless you are married, there is something that is not very dignified about talking about who you are dating."  
 
Screw Luke Wilson.
  
And so here some of my recent email exchanges. Some are funny; some are horrifying; some are just plain puzzling.  Either way, I hope you enjoy and giggle a little. And if you feel really moved, maybe you'll leave a comment. A simple, "good for you!" will suffice. 
***

Him: I noticed u looked at my profile, do you have a drinking problem, is that what gets u through school to get a graduate degree ???
Me:  Yes, I have a drinking problem.

***
Him: hi there. Im Jeffrey.
Me:  Hi Jeffrey.

***
Him: Hi Daniela, Very nice name, I jused to have a girl friend with the same name I like it. Neet profile also, Pleasess when you have time take a look at mine profile, maybe we should chat we have things in common like to talk if you are up for that.
Me:  Here's a tip, don't bring up your ex-girlfriend in your introductory email.  Also, use spellcheck.

***
Him: This is just the tip of the iceburg, my profile doesnt even begin to explain who i am.
Me: Really?  What else should I know?
Him:  Don't be a smartass.
Me:  Haha.  I honestly wasn't trying to be.

Then he blocked me.  At least, I think he did.

***
Him: I would just prefer to find a woman that knows what she wants and has the skill set to deal with a larger man. I am not just all about sex....but it is very important. I need a partner for exploration and adventure....you will not be dissappointed.

I had no words to respond to this email, but I did read it to my mom, who thought he deserved points for being upfront about his weight.  I tried to explain that he wasn't talking about his weight.  She refused to accept it...even when I explained that his screenname included the phrase "wellhung"...

***
Him: What do you like to read? What reality shows have you watched? What's your favorite book? Favorite food? Do you have a kindle?  What's on it?  What else?
Me:  The Count of Monte Cristo.  The Jersey Shore.  The Count of Monte Cristo.  Frittata.  No.  If I did have a kindle, it would probably have--you guessed it--The Count of Monte Cristo.  What else?  Hmm.  Let me see. Your face.  

***
Him:  Sorry i know this is not what your looking for but this is not to say that i am proposing or offering either but you'd make a hell of a sweet make out session
Me:  Its not at all what I'm looking for, but I appreciate the sentiment nonetheless.
Him:  Appreciate it enough to change your mind.
Me:  No.
Him:  Okay, then.  Have a great day!

***

Him: Are you a walrus?
Me:  Yes, of course. 

***
Him: im your profile,put you instead of your
(I looked at my profile for typos-none to be found)
Me:  I have no idea what you are talking about.

***
Him:  I am single and 31.  You look a little like Kim Kardashian.  Only a little. Wah wahhhhhhhh

***
Him: So here it goes, I moved up here from the south, I am a Christian i will only date a Christian, end of conversation. If your a Christian woman feel free to hit me back and will talk :) when i'm not work at my job and i'm not doing somthing in Church i'm working out i'm a Crossfiter it takes up 4 days out of my week i'm also a health nut so if your a Christian and you don't mind being around a health nut/gym caveman hit me i promise i will chat.

Jesus is my homeboy, but I never did respond to this.

***
Him: hey! wanna chat? I have Skype and Yahoo Messenger. I should do something funny on webcam and put it on Youtube lol. What do ya think? I should try to spin around on my office chair lol! Dare me? Haha Gary
Me:  Yes, Gary, I dare you.  Let me know how it goes.

I never did hear back from Gary.  I sincerely hope he didn't hurt himself.  Or OD on 5 hour energy.

***
Him: Had to send one more message.... u should really give me a chance to make u smile.... I bet I could make you so happy that you don't even know what to do with yourself ....besides give me soft kisses.... I promise I won't bother you again but I had to send you 1 more message you are absolutely gorgeous and I just had a great feeling about you .... I Really hope we get to chat.... how else will we see what we are missing out on .... and I can assure you I am 1 of a kind .... please find out for yourself.... I've never been in love and I can't wait to find my soulmate and guess what you look like u might be the one.... can we be friends & find out please....nothing to lose & EVERYTHING to gain.... if I don't hear back this time I wish you the very best in everything you do.... but I can only give you great advice and that would be, talk to me.... hehe... ciao....
Me:  I've told you twice already that I'm not interested, but thank you for the kind words.  Please do not email me again.
Him:  I am really disappointed in you....all I have to say is that this is YOU'RE LOSS...you have no idea what you are missing out on.  What can I do to change your mind???

***
Right about now, you're wondering what these men are saying about me.  I wonder sometimes too.  But then I remember that this is all a part of putting myself out there and just having fun with it.

Should I end this post with a quintessential Carrie Bradshaw quote?  Sure, why not?  Let's try this one:

When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies...

Tuesday Loseday: G Rated Dating Advice

And now, some G Rated Disney Dating Advice.

Warning: Note sarcasm.

Also, in the spirit of Disney, this is just delightful. Odd, but enjoyable. Should make you smile on this even though it is only Tuesday.

Dfest's Dating Donts: I laughed; I cried; It was better than Cats.

Did you know that I hate cats? Well I do. I am pretty sure they are plotting against me at all times. Plotting against you. Against the world.

And you know how I feel about Puss 'n Boots.   Latin feline demon!

And yet, I love this video.  

Ghetto superstar, that is what you are...

People know me:  http://www.nextlevelboston.com/information.html

Yep.

Dfest's Dating Donts: I'm just trippin

via alis volat propris

Dfest's Dating Donts: The Italian Job

Date: May 2008
Time: High Noon
Location: Cafe Algiers, Harvard Square
Codename: The Italian Job

I met the Italian Job through OkCupid, during my initial and painful "put yourself out there" phase. The only facts I knew about him included: his name, his age (28), his employment status (graduate student)and that he was off-the-boat Italian. Being such an Italophile, this appealed to me.

We decided to meet for coffee at Cafe Algiers. Because I had just suffered through a string of terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad dates leading up to this, I recommended to the Italian Job that we meet at Cafe Algiers for afternoon coffee--ensuring a short date in a T-accessible location.

I showed up on time. The Italian Job did not. (tardy = -10 points)

He did not text or call to indicate his tardiness. (rude = -10 points)

He showed up as I was finishing my first Cafe Royal (delicious) and upon giving him the once over, it appeared that he hadn't brushed his teeth in 28 years and hadn't been to sleep in two days.

As it turned out, he confirmed that hadn't been to sleep in two days. On the other hand, his dental hygiene, or lack thereof, was not confirmed or denied, but I maintain my 28 year evaluation. (British teeth = -5 points)
Without apologizing for his tardiness, he set out to tell me his tale of woe that led to said sleep deprivation.

He had been partying the night before in Brookline, but lived in Medford. At some point, he got into a fight with his friend. Although he didn't share the details of the fight, it had something to do with calling his friend a homo and telling him he wanted to punch all gay people in the face--thus causing the rift. This friend also happened to be his ride home to Medford. Unfortunately for the Italian Job, his friend left him behind in a fit of rage. He was now stranded in Brookline. (homophobia = -10 million points)

It took a while, but apparently The Italian Job was finally able to hail a cab. The cab only made it 1/2 way to Meffa before the Italian realized he didn't have any money to pay for what was becoming a very costoso ride. He asked the cabbie to take him to an ATM; the cabbie obliged.

While operating the ATM machine, The Italian Job remembered that he only had about $24 left in his account. He withdrew the limited resources, thus depleting his bank account, paid the cabbie, got in a fight with the cabbie for not having enough for a tip, called the cabbie a homo and was then left on the side of the road. Penniless. Stranded. Again.

Sidenote: the weirdest part is that while he is telling me this story, he seems amused, giddy, and oddly proud.

His only backup plan was to start walking. Aimlessly. They don't have boy scouts in Italy, and in times like these, it really shows.


The Italian Job eventually walked himself to Medford, where he took a nap and overslept and missed his bus---thus making him late to our coffee date. (Being an idiot = -20 points)

At this point, his tale ends; he informs me he still has no money and I'll have to pay for his breakfast. (??? = -10)

Now I ain't sayin that I'm a gold digger, but I ain't messin wit no broke, broke.

That said, I did buy the Italian Job two cups of coffee and an omelet. I was perfectly happy to do this because it felt like I was doing a good deed...providing nourishment for the less fortunate and more douchey.

After about an hour, I told the Italian Job I had a dentist appointment (some of us care about our teeth and gums) and took leave.

I got a text from him about 15 minutes later, telling me that he really liked me and couldn't wait to go out again.

This didn't surprise me. I mean, a guy's gotta eat.

Score: 15/100 (ie Epic Fail)

Tuesday Loseday: I'm a taco walrus

Table For 2 with Whitney Port & Jonathan Daniel Brown from Whitney Port

Tuesday Loseday: Love at first sight

Typically, on Tuesday Loseday, we are laughing WITH the subjects of the video. This time, however, it feels a little different.

We just wanna know if you can kick some game. Come up with something more clever than just your name. ~TLC

Its not Thursday, but this is too great to keep to myself.

The reason for a Friday night poker game.

Good news, wildcats: Kim and Eric are getting hitched and I've been commissioned to be a bridesmaid this fall...making this lucky numba 8. Or is it 9? I can't remember. But it doesn't matter because unlike Joanna Smith in her hilarious video for her catchy song, Getting Married, I love love love being a bridesmaid.





Despite my affinity for bridesmaidenhood, I am having trouble accepting this role. To be honest, well, I want more.

I want to be the flower girl.

Kim and Eric don't have any adorable little tots available to toss petals on the day of the November nuptials, so I'm hoping (and prayin and wishin) that the gig is mine.

I realize that a 29 year old flower girl is a little unorthodox, a little out of the box, but let me 'splain my reasoning before you laugh it off as just another zany idea...a la training myself to wink.

(1) What I lack in youth, I make up in experience, determination, and potential.

(2) Weddings that break traditional rules and standards are so hot right now. Example 1 and example 2.

(3) Somebody has to throw the petals. There can't be NO petals. Kim deserves petals. Am I right or am I right?

(4) I excel at being a bridesmaid and I'm really ready to take on new responsibilities and challenges. I'm ready to grow.

(5) I have transferable skills. Specifically, my mastering of the Dougie dance will prove valuable in gently flicking my wrists and flinging the flowers.

If you have any suggestions on how I can make my case to Kim an Eric and thus realize my flower girl dream, let me know.

Speaking of weddings, remember when we discussed Tracy McMillan and her bulljive commentary on why I am not married? Yea...I've blocked it from my memory too.

Since my original post on the topic, her article has gone viral. It even inspired a hilarious and very necessary parody on the much loved Jezebel which you must must must read. And then tell me your favorite part.