My time has come.

I'm right here, James.

xo kate

If you join it, he will come.

Confession time: after a long sabbatical, I'm back in the online dating scene.  Whenever I tell people this in person, they almost all say "Good for you!" as if I'm on a new diet, or completing another masters degree, or finally watching "Parks and Recreation".

It turns out that online dating is a sort of litmus test these days. If you are single, and you are not managing your personal brand, "winking" at folks, and setting up coffee dates, well then dog-garn it, you just don't want it bad enough. And by "it", I mean "love".


Years ago, people were mortified to admit that they were paying for Match.com, or that they met their spouse on e-harmony. That stigma has now passed, replaced by the over-generalized notion that online dating is the answer to every single person's partner-less "problems". If you join it, he will come. 

Apparently, my soul mate is a member of an online dating site at this very moment;  he is probably logged in right this second--and if I just try hard enough and long enough, we'll meet for drinks and fall in love and cash in on the elusive ROI known as sparks.

Or something.

So, I'm giving it a try--a real try.  In the past few weeks, I've met some nice, kind, fun men...along with some dull, strange, not-so-nice men.

The nice men genuinely give me a fluttery, girly sort of hope that my time online is spent wisely.  The not-so-nice men are being stored away for my tell-all book that will make me rich and famous.  They'll make a movie about my life (I'll play myself, of course) and then I'll move to Big Sky Country and marry a rancher.  Or James Franco.  Whichever comes first.

In the meantime, I'm just loving life.  Doing the things I enjoy with the people I care about.
In the meantime, I try to shake the pressure and remind myself that I'm only 29.
In the meantime, I thought I'd share the experience with you.


Luke Wilson once said, "It's always been my personal feeling that unless you are married, there is something that is not very dignified about talking about who you are dating."  
 
Screw Luke Wilson.
  
And so here some of my recent email exchanges. Some are funny; some are horrifying; some are just plain puzzling.  Either way, I hope you enjoy and giggle a little. And if you feel really moved, maybe you'll leave a comment. A simple, "good for you!" will suffice. 
***

Him: I noticed u looked at my profile, do you have a drinking problem, is that what gets u through school to get a graduate degree ???
Me:  Yes, I have a drinking problem.

***
Him: hi there. Im Jeffrey.
Me:  Hi Jeffrey.

***
Him: Hi Daniela, Very nice name, I jused to have a girl friend with the same name I like it. Neet profile also, Pleasess when you have time take a look at mine profile, maybe we should chat we have things in common like to talk if you are up for that.
Me:  Here's a tip, don't bring up your ex-girlfriend in your introductory email.  Also, use spellcheck.

***
Him: This is just the tip of the iceburg, my profile doesnt even begin to explain who i am.
Me: Really?  What else should I know?
Him:  Don't be a smartass.
Me:  Haha.  I honestly wasn't trying to be.

Then he blocked me.  At least, I think he did.

***
Him: I would just prefer to find a woman that knows what she wants and has the skill set to deal with a larger man. I am not just all about sex....but it is very important. I need a partner for exploration and adventure....you will not be dissappointed.

I had no words to respond to this email, but I did read it to my mom, who thought he deserved points for being upfront about his weight.  I tried to explain that he wasn't talking about his weight.  She refused to accept it...even when I explained that his screenname included the phrase "wellhung"...

***
Him: What do you like to read? What reality shows have you watched? What's your favorite book? Favorite food? Do you have a kindle?  What's on it?  What else?
Me:  The Count of Monte Cristo.  The Jersey Shore.  The Count of Monte Cristo.  Frittata.  No.  If I did have a kindle, it would probably have--you guessed it--The Count of Monte Cristo.  What else?  Hmm.  Let me see. Your face.  

***
Him:  Sorry i know this is not what your looking for but this is not to say that i am proposing or offering either but you'd make a hell of a sweet make out session
Me:  Its not at all what I'm looking for, but I appreciate the sentiment nonetheless.
Him:  Appreciate it enough to change your mind.
Me:  No.
Him:  Okay, then.  Have a great day!

***

Him: Are you a walrus?
Me:  Yes, of course. 

***
Him: im your profile,put you instead of your
(I looked at my profile for typos-none to be found)
Me:  I have no idea what you are talking about.

***
Him:  I am single and 31.  You look a little like Kim Kardashian.  Only a little. Wah wahhhhhhhh

***
Him: So here it goes, I moved up here from the south, I am a Christian i will only date a Christian, end of conversation. If your a Christian woman feel free to hit me back and will talk :) when i'm not work at my job and i'm not doing somthing in Church i'm working out i'm a Crossfiter it takes up 4 days out of my week i'm also a health nut so if your a Christian and you don't mind being around a health nut/gym caveman hit me i promise i will chat.

Jesus is my homeboy, but I never did respond to this.

***
Him: hey! wanna chat? I have Skype and Yahoo Messenger. I should do something funny on webcam and put it on Youtube lol. What do ya think? I should try to spin around on my office chair lol! Dare me? Haha Gary
Me:  Yes, Gary, I dare you.  Let me know how it goes.

I never did hear back from Gary.  I sincerely hope he didn't hurt himself.  Or OD on 5 hour energy.

***
Him: Had to send one more message.... u should really give me a chance to make u smile.... I bet I could make you so happy that you don't even know what to do with yourself ....besides give me soft kisses.... I promise I won't bother you again but I had to send you 1 more message you are absolutely gorgeous and I just had a great feeling about you .... I Really hope we get to chat.... how else will we see what we are missing out on .... and I can assure you I am 1 of a kind .... please find out for yourself.... I've never been in love and I can't wait to find my soulmate and guess what you look like u might be the one.... can we be friends & find out please....nothing to lose & EVERYTHING to gain.... if I don't hear back this time I wish you the very best in everything you do.... but I can only give you great advice and that would be, talk to me.... hehe... ciao....
Me:  I've told you twice already that I'm not interested, but thank you for the kind words.  Please do not email me again.
Him:  I am really disappointed in you....all I have to say is that this is YOU'RE LOSS...you have no idea what you are missing out on.  What can I do to change your mind???

***
Right about now, you're wondering what these men are saying about me.  I wonder sometimes too.  But then I remember that this is all a part of putting myself out there and just having fun with it.

Should I end this post with a quintessential Carrie Bradshaw quote?  Sure, why not?  Let's try this one:

When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies...

Each day comes with 86,400 seconds. Tick tock.

Where have all the movie stars gone?

Is it just me, or did this year's Oscar's seem to have a serious dearth of major movie stars?  Where was Leo? Where were Matt and Ben? Brangelina? JLo? Julia Roberts?  Tom and Katie? Where was the drama?  I don't know what else was happening tonight but it seemed to me like a lot of Oscar classics were missing this year.  Maybe they got an advanced copy of the script or something and decided to skip out?

As Jessica Biel cries into her pint of
Ben and Jerry's...

Not a bad decision, since I thought this year's ceremony was a snore-fest.  Fashion-wise I was completely underwhelmed, the winners were all predicted weeks ago, and the show itself was a total bore.  I wasn't at all surprised that James Franco seemed the entire time like he needed a strong drink.  I know I did.  But probably not as badly as Jessica Biel, who was also watching from her couch, seething, as her "boyfriend" Justin Timberlake presented an award with his Friends with Benefits costar, Mila Kunis, who, rumor has it, he's been chasing for months.


With Jeremy Renner and Amy Adams nominated and Christian Bale and Melissa Leo both winning in the supporting categories, could this be the best Oscars ever for the Boston accent? Non-rhotic for the win! Although, I think Melissa Leo lost her three remaining supporters tonight, first by almost giving us a shot of her undies going up the stairs.  Then with her wildly annoying acceptance speech in which she tried so hard to be surprised and humble but ended up just looking like a crazy person.  But I guess she had already made it clear with her Consider Melissa Leo ads that she’s not really all about the subtlety.


Despite my overall boredom, I was thrilled with wins for two of my favorites, Ms. Natalie Portman and Aaron Sorkin.  I'm going to refrain from saying anything else about Natalie for fear that she'll take out a restraining order, but I will tell you why I love Aaron Sorkin.  Overall, the screenplay category hasn't been very exciting for me since Matt and Ben left the writing game until tonight.  The Social Network was a brilliantly written film.  Mr. Sorkin's dialogue is so beautiful, rich, real and exciting that I'm in constant awe of his genius.  And totally willing to overlook his coke problem.  He writes in the way I wish that I could speak.  I want my mind to work like his does.  Or at least have him script my life so that I'm always smart, sharp and witty.   His television classic The West Wing is one of the greatest shows ever made, and you can hear echoes of it throughout The Social Network, which I wish had won more awards tonight.

These ponytails are high and these ponytails are
fly.

Another winner I was pleased to see?  Ponytails.  This was the year for ponytails.  As a lover of the high pony, I was thrilled to see this fan favorite make it's way out of the locker room and onto the red carpet. Reese Witherspoon, Anne Hathaway and best makeup artist winner Rick Baker all rocked the look tonight.

Tune in from the rest of my fashion picks in the morning.  Goodnight, wildcats.


xo kate
 

The Year of James Franco

I'm just going to put it out there: I f-ing love James Franco.

Seriously, is there anything that this guy can't do?

James Franco didn't kill that bear.  But he could've.

He was hilarious in a bit part in Date Night, he just got an Oscar nomination for being pretty much the only character in 127 Hours, he's hosting the Oscars, he's adapting and directing As I Lay Dying (because Faulker written in like a dozen points of view is totally easy to adapt), and he -- seemingly completely randomly (although he was inspired by his role in Maladies) -- created a part for himself on the soap opera General Hospital playing a crazed artist which he, in turn, filmed and is turning into a piece of performance art to be shown and used in a special episode of General Hospital. (Art imitating life imitating art?)  Oh, and, by the by, he's also getting his Ph.D. in English at Yale University.  (As a Harvard alum, I'm a little disappointed that he didn't go for the gold -- or Crimson as the case may be -- but I guess Yale isn't a bad second choice.)

Actor. Director. Artist. MC. Scholar.

I think he's awesome.  And I think I'm putting him in my wolfpack.

xo kate