Friday, August 12, 2011

Is pounding sand like beating the beat up? If so, count me in.

One more online dating email exchange that I just couldn't keep to myself.  
Is pounding sand like beating the beat up?
Here is what you need to know:
1. This gem of a fellow is over 30 years old and
2. is over 6 feet tall.
3. Has a graduate degree and is listed as "self employed". 
4. This is real life.  I didn't make it up.  Pinky swear.
5. The first part of his first message to me is copy and pasted directly from his dating profile

So I like to joke around. A lot. 
If you can't handle it, go pound sand.

So, let's talk. Basically, you're on here trolling around an online dating site because you can't seem to find a guy who will date you in the real world. Does that about sum it up? This website is like a fishbowl of goldfish... all swimming upside down (because they're dead, dim wit). Biological viability. What is it? Let's just say that if this is the penultimate result of your dating life, yours is in question. Pretty abysmal, isn't it?

So, do you actually want to get a date out of this online thing, or are you one of these girls that just likes to expose themselves socially online so you can collect a bunch of losers with no balls telling you how beautiful you are? Well, before I'm willing to even TALK to you, you are going to need to answer 3 questions (see below). I don't have time to waste with "beautiful disasters" looking for another free dinner. I'm not one of those guys that will put up with your B.S. Those guys are weak.

I'm the best catch on here, PERIOD. Don't buy it? Fine. Troll along. Your loss. I'll be the guy over here, having a fantastic life... lol.

If you would like to respond to me, I would prefer you start by answering 3 questions:
1) how is your relationship with your father?
2) when was the last time you had your cell phone (cable, electricity, etc) shut off because you didnt pay the bill?
3) in one word, what is the most important part of a (romantic) relationship?

so what's the catch?  i mean, if you're really such a good find, why are you still single?

To be honest, I'm just a beautiful disaster looking for free dinners...even though I'm not broke and my cell phone has never been turned off.

Or maybe my dad ruined me. We have a great relationship and he is one of my best friends.

Or maybe I just love my life too much and am not particularly interested in settling for anything less than awesome. A healthy balance of respect, friendship and passion. The most important things in a relationship.


hey ;o)

one would think that you would have been able to formulate this response quicker, given your high level of education (graduate degree) and all.

although, i do like the formulaic structure of both this response and your overall profile-especially the deceivingly detached (yet specifically addressing) suggestions followed by distinct, and personal, affirmations.

great sentence and paragraph symmetry too. suggests to me that you have a background in music, or at least a affinity for poetry.

i have heard this, "not willing to settle for anything less (than) awesome" idea A LOT from women. I think it's important to remember that one attracts what they are.
well, i have to go! talk later!
I think my dude needs to go pound some sand of his own.


  1. Crap e-mail from a dude - online dating edition. What a tool.

  2. My favorite part is 'lol'. Cringe-worthy.

  3. Also, I'm pretty sure he is using "penultimate" incorrectly

  4. i was wondering about the use of penultimate as well - it means next to last. is he referring it this interaction as the next to last even before the sweet release of death?

    i like that he knows you're musical because of you parallel sentence structure.

    i think that "a beautiful disaster looking for free dinners" is how i'm going to describe myself from now on.

  5. sounds like an A-Hole...big time!


  6. Wow. Another douche who is in love with himself, like we didn't see that coming from his first paragraph. Another dating crisis averted! We all know why he is single and should still that way forever. You must feel like you dodged a bullet!!! Keep going after those free meals, you beautiful disaster you! haha