Monday, July 18, 2011

If you join it, he will come.

Confession time: after a long sabbatical, I'm back in the online dating scene.  Whenever I tell people this in person, they almost all say "Good for you!" as if I'm on a new diet, or completing another masters degree, or finally watching "Parks and Recreation".

It turns out that online dating is a sort of litmus test these days. If you are single, and you are not managing your personal brand, "winking" at folks, and setting up coffee dates, well then dog-garn it, you just don't want it bad enough. And by "it", I mean "love".

Years ago, people were mortified to admit that they were paying for, or that they met their spouse on e-harmony. That stigma has now passed, replaced by the over-generalized notion that online dating is the answer to every single person's partner-less "problems". If you join it, he will come. 

Apparently, my soul mate is a member of an online dating site at this very moment;  he is probably logged in right this second--and if I just try hard enough and long enough, we'll meet for drinks and fall in love and cash in on the elusive ROI known as sparks.

Or something.

So, I'm giving it a try--a real try.  In the past few weeks, I've met some nice, kind, fun men...along with some dull, strange, not-so-nice men.

The nice men genuinely give me a fluttery, girly sort of hope that my time online is spent wisely.  The not-so-nice men are being stored away for my tell-all book that will make me rich and famous.  They'll make a movie about my life (I'll play myself, of course) and then I'll move to Big Sky Country and marry a rancher.  Or James Franco.  Whichever comes first.

In the meantime, I'm just loving life.  Doing the things I enjoy with the people I care about.
In the meantime, I try to shake the pressure and remind myself that I'm only 29.
In the meantime, I thought I'd share the experience with you.

Luke Wilson once said, "It's always been my personal feeling that unless you are married, there is something that is not very dignified about talking about who you are dating."  
Screw Luke Wilson.
And so here some of my recent email exchanges. Some are funny; some are horrifying; some are just plain puzzling.  Either way, I hope you enjoy and giggle a little. And if you feel really moved, maybe you'll leave a comment. A simple, "good for you!" will suffice. 


Him: I noticed u looked at my profile, do you have a drinking problem, is that what gets u through school to get a graduate degree ???
Me:  Yes, I have a drinking problem.

Him: hi there. Im Jeffrey.
Me:  Hi Jeffrey.

Him: Hi Daniela, Very nice name, I jused to have a girl friend with the same name I like it. Neet profile also, Pleasess when you have time take a look at mine profile, maybe we should chat we have things in common like to talk if you are up for that.
Me:  Here's a tip, don't bring up your ex-girlfriend in your introductory email.  Also, use spellcheck.

Him: This is just the tip of the iceburg, my profile doesnt even begin to explain who i am.
Me: Really?  What else should I know?
Him:  Don't be a smartass.
Me:  Haha.  I honestly wasn't trying to be.

Then he blocked me.  At least, I think he did.

Him: I would just prefer to find a woman that knows what she wants and has the skill set to deal with a larger man. I am not just all about sex....but it is very important. I need a partner for exploration and will not be dissappointed.

I had no words to respond to this email, but I did read it to my mom, who thought he deserved points for being upfront about his weight.  I tried to explain that he wasn't talking about his weight.  She refused to accept it...even when I explained that his screenname included the phrase "wellhung"...

Him: What do you like to read? What reality shows have you watched? What's your favorite book? Favorite food? Do you have a kindle?  What's on it?  What else?
Me:  The Count of Monte Cristo.  The Jersey Shore.  The Count of Monte Cristo.  Frittata.  No.  If I did have a kindle, it would probably have--you guessed it--The Count of Monte Cristo.  What else?  Hmm.  Let me see. Your face.  

Him:  Sorry i know this is not what your looking for but this is not to say that i am proposing or offering either but you'd make a hell of a sweet make out session
Me:  Its not at all what I'm looking for, but I appreciate the sentiment nonetheless.
Him:  Appreciate it enough to change your mind.
Me:  No.
Him:  Okay, then.  Have a great day!


Him: Are you a walrus?
Me:  Yes, of course. 

Him: im your profile,put you instead of your
(I looked at my profile for typos-none to be found)
Me:  I have no idea what you are talking about.

Him:  I am single and 31.  You look a little like Kim Kardashian.  Only a little. Wah wahhhhhhhh

Him: So here it goes, I moved up here from the south, I am a Christian i will only date a Christian, end of conversation. If your a Christian woman feel free to hit me back and will talk :) when i'm not work at my job and i'm not doing somthing in Church i'm working out i'm a Crossfiter it takes up 4 days out of my week i'm also a health nut so if your a Christian and you don't mind being around a health nut/gym caveman hit me i promise i will chat.

Jesus is my homeboy, but I never did respond to this.

: hey! wanna chat? I have Skype and Yahoo Messenger. I should do something funny on webcam and put it on Youtube lol. What do ya think? I should try to spin around on my office chair lol! Dare me? Haha Gary
:  Yes, Gary, I dare you.  Let me know how it goes.

I never did hear back from Gary.  I sincerely hope he didn't hurt himself.  Or OD on 5 hour energy.

Him: Had to send one more message.... u should really give me a chance to make u smile.... I bet I could make you so happy that you don't even know what to do with yourself ....besides give me soft kisses.... I promise I won't bother you again but I had to send you 1 more message you are absolutely gorgeous and I just had a great feeling about you .... I Really hope we get to chat.... how else will we see what we are missing out on .... and I can assure you I am 1 of a kind .... please find out for yourself.... I've never been in love and I can't wait to find my soulmate and guess what you look like u might be the one.... can we be friends & find out please....nothing to lose & EVERYTHING to gain.... if I don't hear back this time I wish you the very best in everything you do.... but I can only give you great advice and that would be, talk to me.... hehe... ciao....
Me:  I've told you twice already that I'm not interested, but thank you for the kind words.  Please do not email me again.
I am really disappointed in you....all I have to say is that this is YOU'RE have no idea what you are missing out on.  What can I do to change your mind???

Right about now, you're wondering what these men are saying about me.  I wonder sometimes too.  But then I remember that this is all a part of putting myself out there and just having fun with it.

Should I end this post with a quintessential Carrie Bradshaw quote?  Sure, why not?  Let's try this one:

When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies...


  1. Not to answer your SATC quote with another SATC quote, but, "Maybe we can be each other's soul mates, and then we can let men be just these great, nice guys to have fun with."

    Usually I think that quote is totally stupid, but with you and me, I think it might be true. Miss you, D. xoxo times one trillion.

  2. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha This post is hilarious! Your dating trials and tribulations are both hysterical and terrifying. I admire you for putting yourself out there, online, and offline. Facebook is enough to make me shudder, I can't begin to fathom a dating profile... Thank you for sharing and keep us posted!

    P.S. Oh yeah, "good for you!" ;):)

    P.P.S. Love me a S&TC quote and that one was perfection and so fitting for your post. Tip of my imaginary hat to you.

  3. What a great post! Love it! You are definitely one of the smartest, nicest, and funnest girls from our high school. Not to mention with dashingly exotic looks. I have utter confidence that you will find love. :)

  4. Zsa Zsa Zu!

    Also, good for you!

  5. CDubs would never say any of these things...