Tuesday, November 22, 2011

A modest proposal

You know what really grinds my gears?  The friggin Disney Vault.   

"Disney Vault" is the term used by Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment for its policy of putting home video releases of Walt Disney Animation Studios's animated features on moratorium. Each Disney film is available for purchase for a limited time, after which it is put "in the vault" and not made available in stores for several years until it is once again re-released.  In short, the Disney Vault ikeeps children and wildcats alike from experiencing the sheer joy of classics like The Little Mermaid and The Lion King.   

It is mocking me, this Vault.  It is making fools of us all.  And it is time we do something about it. 
So, I've made a pretty bold decision.  I'm going to plan a heist of the Disney Vault!      

Of course, I can't do it alone; I'm going to need help.  They don't know it yet, but I've assembled a crack heist team to help me penetrate the citadel of princesses, talking animals, and bizarre sequels that rarely follow the chronology of the original story.  Each member has been chosen for various skills, but also because I believe they can be cold and pitiless in the field. Without further ado, here is my list of recruits.

First and foremost, we need a Chief of Strategy and 
Logistics.  For this role, I plan to recruit my sister Danger, who's resume includes working in Afghanistan and knowing all of the words to Aladdin. Look in her eyes.  See her motivation.  

Next, I'm going to need some Muscle.  For this, I plan to persuade Geoff to join this most noble mission.  Not only is he as jacked as a career tribute in the Hunger Games, but he is also something of a Disney expert. Honestly, if he didn't have a great job in DC, he'd be playing Gaston down in Orlando.  Pythons + Disney Brains = One skilled operative.

Obviously, in order to hack into the Vault systems and pass the high tech security, we're going to need a computer/machines/devices/tech mastermind.  And I have the just the dude:  Eric.  Not only is Eric a Systems Whisperer, but he also has a son, which means he has a lot to gain by taking down the Vault.  

Next on the list:  two Masters of Disguises: Chaci and Bre.  Without them, we are just a bunch of amateurs.  With them, we are undercover agents.  We are sticky-finger, pilfering masterminds...incognito.

Last but not least, we're going to need a Get-away Driver.  Not some pansy who will panic at the sight of Cruella deVille, but someone with grit and no fear.  If any of you have driven with my roommate, JG, you know she is fierce and stealth behind the wheel...and also, she has one of those illegal cop buzzer things.  Very necessary. 

And when its all over and we are reveling in our success, we'll head back to headquarters where Kelly will be waiting with some nourishment and adult sodas.

So there you have it.  My heist team. 

The only thing I need now is a money man.  A backer.  I'm taking nominations.

In the meantime, imagine the team dressed in black.  Sporting barely visible, snazzy headsets.  Hacking into systems. Jumping over laser beams. And using harnesses when we can't quite jump. 

Sweating. Picking locks. Going undercover. Wearing disguises. Making narrow escapes. Climbing elevator shafts.  Stealing movies. Sticking it to the man. The Disney man.

Soooo...what do you think?  Bad idea? Who am I missing? What am I forgetting?  Any advice? What movie would you want me to steal for you?

Note: I do have crazy amounts of respect for the entire Disney enterprise.  They were a part of my childhood and I wholeheartedly plan to pass the joy and magic onto my family one day. This post is entirely satirical and tongue and cheek. 


  1. Hahaha this is awesome! So glad I can be of service as I am a master of disguise. Muahaha that was my evil laugh btw I don't even know what movies are held captive in the vault at the moment, refresh my drink.

  2. Seriously! Please let me know when these movies have been liberated! People who missed out on things like Lady and the Tramp make it REALLY hard to win Cranium:Disney edition.