An Ode to Nineties Teen Movies

Written in a series of rhyming quatrains.  Presented in chronological order by release date.

My dream growing up was to have Cher’s closet

Still the coolest girls in school.

But I didn’t have the money for even a deposit

Di and Murray fight, Christian just wants to jive

And Tai tells Cher, “You’re a virgin who can’t drive!”

Lucas stole the money and someone has to pay

But forget all that – it’s Rex Manning day!

Starring a slutty Renee and a young Liv Tyler

Makes me yell, “Damn the man – save the empire!”

Neve tries really hard not to die

And we find out that boyfriend’s lie

The horror movie that mocks horror movies

Skeet better watch out or he’ll end up in juvie.

Color me excited for the return of the scream franchise.

J. Love Hew in a lead was a pretty huge gamble

My crush on Paul Walker has
held up better than his career.

She has a big chest but can’t scream like Neve Campbell

A fisherman with and ice pick is kind of scary maybe

But the best part of this was Buffy and Freddie’s baby

This is a teen movie at the genre’s peak

I cringe when J.Love attempts to speak

Ethan Embry plays a real smarty

And the whole movie’s set at one huge party

Sports and Texas and a whipped cream bikini

The team is great but their coach is a meanie

When the quarterback goes down the town’s filled with strife

Til Dawson finally says, “I. don’t .want. your. life.”

This one's for you, B.

My sister’s favorite is She’s All That

But I think it’s because of the falafel hat

It begins with a bet and a date to the prom

And the synchronized dance is definitely da bomb

Buffy and Ryan are step-sibling’s who screw

And Pacey Witter comes to play too

They are reckless and mean and totally wild

And little did we know that Reese was with child

This is what Heath did before there was Brokeback

And it also starred Julia Stiles and Alex Mack

To call it Shakespeare might cause some chagrin

The children of 90's teen movies --
and hopefully the future of the genre.
I'm looking at you, Deacon Phillippe.

And whatever happen to Andrew Keegan?

One of the first to bring mom’s into the fray

Besides Dustin Hoffman, back in the day

In the original movie Jason Biggs effed a pie

And this was the franchise that didn’t know when to die

Clarissa explains it all and changes her man

To get her perfect date – at least that’s the plan

Ends at the prom with a dance and corsage

And stars Vincent Chase – before Entourage

Fin.

And while we're dancing around the subject -- tell me this trailer doesn't give you chills.

I swear, I still get excited every time I see that MTV Productions logo at the beginning of a trailer.

xo kate