Sunday, January 23, 2011

An Ode to Nineties Teen Movies

Written in a series of rhyming quatrains.  Presented in chronological order by release date.

My dream growing up was to have Cher’s closet
Still the coolest girls in school.
But I didn’t have the money for even a deposit
Di and Murray fight, Christian just wants to jive
And Tai tells Cher, “You’re a virgin who can’t drive!”

Lucas stole the money and someone has to pay
But forget all that – it’s Rex Manning day!
Starring a slutty Renee and a young Liv Tyler
Makes me yell, “Damn the man – save the empire!”

Neve tries really hard not to die
And we find out that boyfriend’s lie
The horror movie that mocks horror movies
Skeet better watch out or he’ll end up in juvie.

Color me excited for the return of the scream franchise.

J. Love Hew in a lead was a pretty huge gamble
My crush on Paul Walker has
held up better than his career.
She has a big chest but can’t scream like Neve Campbell
A fisherman with and ice pick is kind of scary maybe
But the best part of this was Buffy and Freddie’s baby

This is a teen movie at the genre’s peak
I cringe when J.Love attempts to speak
Ethan Embry plays a real smarty
And the whole movie’s set at one huge party

Sports and Texas and a whipped cream bikini
The team is great but their coach is a meanie
When the quarterback goes down the town’s filled with strife
Til Dawson finally says, “I. don’t .want. your. life.”

This one's for you, B.

My sister’s favorite is She’s All That
But I think it’s because of the falafel hat
It begins with a bet and a date to the prom
And the synchronized dance is definitely da bomb

Buffy and Ryan are step-sibling’s who screw
And Pacey Witter comes to play too
They are reckless and mean and totally wild
And little did we know that Reese was with child

This is what Heath did before there was Brokeback
And it also starred Julia Stiles and Alex Mack
To call it Shakespeare might cause some chagrin
The children of 90's teen movies --
and hopefully the future of the genre.
I'm looking at you, Deacon Phillippe.
And whatever happen to Andrew Keegan?

One of the first to bring mom’s into the fray
Besides Dustin Hoffman, back in the day
In the original movie Jason Biggs effed a pie
And this was the franchise that didn’t know when to die

Clarissa explains it all and changes her man
To get her perfect date – at least that’s the plan
Ends at the prom with a dance and corsage
And stars Vincent Chase – before Entourage


And while we're dancing around the subject -- tell me this trailer doesn't give you chills.

I swear, I still get excited every time I see that MTV Productions logo at the beginning of a trailer.

xo kate