Tuesday Loseday: Shit Nonnas Say

Offensive or hilarious or somewhere in between? You tell me.

 

Tuesday Loseday: Shit Girls Say

Listen.

Listen. Listen. Listen.

Shut. Up.

Tuesday Loseday: Is that your ass or did your mama have reindeer?

This is not a joke.  This is real life.  This is what I'm getting Chaci for Christmas.

http://www.jacquelinestallone.com/rumps.html

Tuesday Loseday: Man Drawer

Its funny because it is true. And funnier because of his accent.



Do you have a man drawer? A (wo)man drawer? A junk drawer?  I sure do.

Tuesday Loseday: Jack Chop

Speaking of Ashley Tisdale

Toddlers & Tiaras with Ashley Tisdale from Ashley Tisdale

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

One hot August day, my purse started singing the tarantella. I frantically dug through my knock-off Longchamp as to not miss my mom's call.  Success.  Here is a snippet from the conversation:

Mum: Danya?

Me: Yes.

Mum: Rufus is half human.

Me: Huh?  I thought he was half Jack Russell.

Mum: Wait, wait...let me explain: he loves listening to Edward play the piano.

Me: We don't have a piano.

Mum: I know that. But Edward does.

Me: Who is Edward?

Mum: Edward Cullen! The vampire! I'm watching Twilight.  Rufus is fixated on the film right now.  He loves watching Edward play.

Me: Well, he does have very refined taste, I suppose.

Mum: Wait til you see it.  I dvr-ed the movie.  Put it on the next time you are here.

So I did exactly that.

Turns out...she was right.  So long as Edward is on the screen, he won't look away...

My kingdom for a horse.

Tuesday Loseday: Shucks.

Tuesday Mayhem

Kate and I fell in love with Dean Winters when he was portraying Ryan O'Reily on HBO's Oz.   Ryan was a sociopath with breast cancer, and Winters played him perfectly.

I haven't seen his work as Johnny Gavin on FX Network's Rescue Me, nor Dennis Duffy on NBC's 30 Rock, but I'm sure he was friggin awesome.

In 1999, he was on Sex and the City.

In 2010, he was selected to portray "Mayhem" in an Allstate insurance advertising campaign.

In 2011, he joined this wolfpack.

A Tuesday Situation: I cannot bear it any longer

An oldie but a goodie. My favorite part is Pauly D's accent.

I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat, and smother that shit in bernaise.

I met my roommate on craigslist.  And despite warnings from my family about waking up in a tub of ice and no kidneys, I couldn't be happier living with JG and pup, Finnleigh.

However....

The. BEST.  Craigslist post.  Ever.  Is highlighted here by Refinery29.

My favorite part:
"I'll...cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking Southern Cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in Bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off."

I don't want to live with this kid, but I do want to be friends.  Bearnaise every night?  Sounds like an approved wolfpack application to me.

The greatest scam in history.

Tuesday Loseday: Trapper Keeper is on the phone

Lisa Frank	UCBcomedy.com
Watch more comedy videos from the twisted minds of the UCB Theatre at UCBcomedy.com

Baby, ride your firebolt.

We can plank if we want to. We can leave your friends behind.

This is one of my boyfriends, Teddy.  He is 3.  And a master at planking.  I want to be more like him when I grow up.

A Case of the Tuesdays: Out of the mouths of babes

This has circulated blogs and various tumblrs in the last week, but I just had to repost.

Marriage From A Kid’s Perspective

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? 

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming.
— Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you’re stuck with.– Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
— Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
— Derrick, age 8 

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON

Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8 

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they’re rich.
— Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with
that.
– - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
— Anita, age 9

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
— Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is…

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump
truck.
— Ricky, age 10, way to go Ricky

Via insertcleverplayonwordshere.tumblr 

Tuesday Loseday: We go together like teen girls and vampires.

All images stolen from pinterest.

Tuesday Loseday: G Rated Dating Advice

And now, some G Rated Disney Dating Advice.

Warning: Note sarcasm.

Also, in the spirit of Disney, this is just delightful. Odd, but enjoyable. Should make you smile on this even though it is only Tuesday.

Consider me Miles Davis

Today I have make to remarks at a really scary meeting. 

I'm so scared, in fact, that I might pee my pants.

Kinda like Ernie.