In the wolfpack: William Faulkner

"She loved, had a capacity to love, for love, to give and accept love.  Only she tried twice and failed twice to find somebody not just strong enough to deserve it, earn it, match it, but even brave enough to accept it."

What the dickens?

Confession: I've never been a big fan of Charles Dickens' work.  I honestly haven't read much of it, and probably never will. I tried to read Great Expectations like 7 times, but never got past the third page.

But this little gem...this sounds about right to me.

Keep calm and watch the trailer.

As you know by now, I'm a 14 year old girl living inside of a 21 year old body. Okay, okay... 25 year old body.  Plus 2.  Give or take 2.  Whatever.

In addition to Harry Potter and Twilight and Gossip Girl and High School Musical, my childish pre-teen heart love love loves The Hunger Games and I believe everyone should read the 3 book series.

The first film is coming to theatres in March of 2012 and I have just decided that it is how I will celebrate my 25+5 birthday.  We're going to sneak wine coolers into the theater and curse President Snow and cheer for Peeta and cry for Prim.  I'm such a tween. Get your popcorn ready, kids...and may the odds be ever in your favor.

In the wolfpack: The girl who was on fire

Have you read the Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins? I am somewhat obsessed, and still have the third part of the trilogy to go. Despite not knowing how the epic, bloody story ends, I do know one thing: Katniss Everdeen is in the wolfpack.

Here is what makes Katniss a great pack member:

1. Shoots arrows like whoa

2. A natural hunter 

3. Protects her family and friends

4. Fuels uprisings

5.  Wins

Guest Post: Men are from mars, and women are from...somewhere entirely different.

Hey lambchops.  Happy Hump Day.  

As you know, I love to talk and blog and complain and philosophize and ruminate on the magical worlds of dating and romance.  My stories, however, are usually one-sided, in that I don't get a post-mortem/explanation/evaluation from the dude.  In an effort to present you with a broader perspective, I've recruited my lovely friend and colleague Julia Mayer to share a tale with the wolfpack.  


Although I ordered Julia's first book, I confess that I haven't read it yet; my mom stole it and won't give it back.  Once I do, I'll let you know the 411 on the Eyes in the Mirror.  In the meantime, Julia is here to chat you up and give you a little he said/she said dating action.  Enjoy!

***

I can’t, in good faith to my publicist, write a blog post these days without plugging my book, Eyes in the Mirror, published by Sourcebooks August 1. You can find it at your local bookstore here: http://bit.ly/mtqNld or on Amazon: http://amzn.to/mLxONw. I will say that the book is not about dating advice, though it does involve showing two sides of the same story, which is what I’ll do below.

As an author, I have the wonderful benefit of being able to make up my own truth and have the characters interpret it however I want them to. In real life, it’s not so simple. I have a small group of guy friends, who I’ll dub Clueless Boys. Despite being sweet, and well meaning, and having big hearts, they’re completely mystified by the girls they want to date.

At a bar one night, a friend of mine told me this story. Names have been changed for everyone’s benefit.

“I met this girl, Sarah, at a party at a friend’s house. I thought she was cute right away, so I started talking to her. Turned out we had some shared interests in education so asked for her number in order to set up a lunch to talk about what she’s up to in schools, etc. She gave it to me and I called her and we set up a lunch.

“We had a great time at lunch; we talked for hours. We wound up spending most of the day together. Then I called her and suggested we go out for a drink to continue the conversation. We did. Then she called and suggested we go dancing. That sounded like a certain date, but there were two problems. First, I already had plans at the time she suggested with a male friend. Second, I was nervous since I’m not a very good dancer. Not wanting to turn her down, I accepted and invited my friend to come with us.

“At the bar, she was really flirtatious, we danced, we talked, we had fun. At some point I wanted a smoke and she doesn’t smoke, so me and my friend went outside to have a cigarette then came back in. We only stayed for a little while after that, then my friend left and I walked her home. I wanted to kiss her at the end of the night but I was too nervous so I just said goodnight and left. Now she’s not returning my calls- to be expected, I guess, I never really had a chance wit her.”

I twitched violently through most of this story at the obvious mistakes made. Not only had he once had a chance with her, he had blown it too. So I asked if it would help him to hear the story told again, as she was telling it to her friends at brunch on Sunday.

Here’s what happened from her perspective:

I met a guy at a party at my friend’s house. He started talking to me and seemed sweet. Turned out we had some similar interests in education and stuff, so when he asked for my number and suggested we get lunch. Lunch is a good pre-date. We totally hit it off. Then a few days later, I met him after work to “finish the conversation” over drinks. We had a great time again, but now I felt like, you know, this was a date. So it was pretty weird that he didn’t really make a move. I think he liked me, but it was a little hard to tell.

Thinking I would give him another chance…maybe he was nervous? I called and asked him to come dancing with me. CLEARLY a date. So I get there and he’s brought a friend with him. A guy friend, so not another girl, but come on. You don’t bring your guy friends on a date with a girl you actually like. Now on top of that, we’re dancing and flirting and he interrupts it to go outside with his friend and smoke. Leaving me alone in the bar. He knew I didn’t smoke, like, could he not have waited for a couple of hours.

So finally, I think I get a sign that he likes me: he walks me home. [Here all of her friends say: awwww, that’s so cute…] I think so too at first, really sweet, right? Like how cute, we weren’t even that close to my house. But we get all the way home and he doesn’t hold my hand. He doesn’t put his arm around me. He most certainly doesn’t kiss me goodnight. So I figured, ok, that’s it. He’s just not interested. And then, only after all of that, does he start calling me on a regular basis. If he was interested, he would’ve already made the move. And I know I shouldn’t be pissed, but I’m kinda pissed. Why go through all of this if he just wants another friend?

These are the questions he asked after hearing the story:

Was it so wrong to bring my friend?

Yes. Just yes. You had two options here: cancel with your guy friend (who would’ve been totally fine with it) or suggest an alternate date. Bringing a friend is clear “just friends” territory.

Why can’t I leave her alone in a bar?

If she’s as hot as you say she is, she’s going home with someone else. Other guys are going to see that you’re not interested and move in.

What else could I have done?

Use the word “date.” Seriously. You have no idea how much this helps. Half the time I go on a date, I have no idea whether we’re on a date or just getting dinner until you offer to pick up the check (we can leave the who-should-pay argument for another day, but ladies, cut the guy some slack on this. It’s really a damned if you, damned if you don’t situation).

Little gestures like holding hands or putting your arm around her are also really good signals- I know they seem small, but they’re the things that make the friends swoon at brunch, and that’s part of what keeps the chick interested.

So here’s the take away from this sad story: Gentlemen, be clear and open about what you want and your intentions. And if you’re interested, go the extra mile to show it. You really do confuse us. Ladies, cut they guy some slack. He’s doing a lot of the hard work here and you’re pretty baffling to him, too.

Talking to Girls

It's what she's saying that's important.

I've written here before about the responsibility each of us has to take one step to push back against society's portrayal of women and girls.  Today, I read this Huffington Post book review, How to Talk to Girls, by Lisa Bloom.  Admittedly, it's like two weeks old, but I thought it was worth sharing because I think it's a particularly important topic.  Also, talking to girls and young women in way that promotes a healthy identity and builds a connection with them has been very much on my mind lately as I transition to teacher-hood.  Here's an excerpt:

This week ABC News reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. In my book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, I reveal that 15 to 18 percent of girls under 12 now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and 25 percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they'd rather be hot than smart. A Miami mom just died from cosmetic surgery, leaving behind two teenagers. This keeps happening, and it breaks my heart.

Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What's missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.

Just something to think about the next time you meet a little girl.  Resist the overwhelming urge to validate her by complimenting her beautiful/cute/gorgeous she is, and say something about who she is.  It probably won't change the world, but it's a step in the right direction.

xo kate

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

The first excerpt of Mindy Kaling's book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns), hit the internet this week.  I appreciated the free 26-page excerpt (which you can read for yourself here) and, apparently -- according to The New Yorker, am Mindy's target demographic, "i.e., unmarried,
babyless women above the age of sixteen and under the age of thirty."  Gee, thanks New Yorker, there really isn't enough pressure to be married and having babies in your twenties, or even pejorative comments made in the media about young women -- I needed you to point out that I'm the target of certain authors.  


Media targeting aside, my favorite part of the excerpt was Mindy's rights and responsibilities for being best friends.  One of the best parts about being a women is the ability to have really great friendships with other women.  I always feel bad for guys because, although they often have a lot of male friends, for some reason men don't seem to be allow (I don't know if this is a testosterone thing or a society thing -- or some combination of the two) to have intimate friendships with men in the same way that women are allowed to be friends with women.  Personally, I think that having close, adult friendships with other women is the reward that girl's get for surviving middle school.  Mindy's best friendship rules remind me of how lucky I am to get to have great friendships with my best friends and include: I can borrow all your clothes (as long as you've worn them once), We sleep in the same bed (how else can we talk until we fall asleep?), I can ditch you -- within reason (as long as alternative plans for travel home have been established), I will try to like your boyfriend five times, I will hate and re-like people for you (but don't get mad if sometimes I can't keep track), and It's okay to take me for granted (when you fall in love, but don't forget about me completely).


At any rate, I wasn't blown away by what I read so far, but I did enjoy it and, given my love for Mindy Kaling, I'm sure I'll read the whole thing when it comes out.  That is, unless I get married or pregnant before that, in which case, I'm out.


xo kate

“What 19-year-old Virginia boy doesn’t want a wide-hipped, sarcastic Greek girl with short hair that’s permed on top? What’s that you say? None of them want that? You are correct. So I spent four years attempting to charm the uninterested.” - Tina Fey

"Why's this book called Bossypants? 
One, because the name Two and 
a Half Men was already taken."

Tina Fey and I have a weird relationship.  I mean, I guess it's mostly that I have a weird relationship with Tina Fey because Tina Fey does not actually know that I exist.  I lovelovelove Tina.  Love her.  And I really want to lovelovelove 30 Rock, because it's her baby.  But I just don't.  I love Alec Baldwin and Jane Krakowski.  I just don't love 30 Rock.  I've tried a bunch of times to make it happen, but it's just not going to work out between us.  Sorry, Liz Lemon, I'm just not that into you.


Luckily, Tina Fey does about 8,302,483,920 other things that I do love.  In high school, I loved her as a writer on Saturday Night Live.  In college, I loved her as a writer and performer in Mean Girls.  In grad school, I loved her as pitch-perfect Sarah Palin on everything.  And in my life that is not currently defined by being in school, I lovelovelove her as the author of the new memoir-or-something (it's not exactly a memoir, it's more like a series of comedic short stories mixed with advice and personal details) Bossypants. Seriously, it's hilarious and poignant and endearing.  It vacillates between priceless anecdotes from childhood, (Including one about the utter confusion that results when a girl gets her first period and it's not bright blue like in maxi-pad commercials.) tales of life at the Second City and Saturday Night Live, (“Only in comedy does an obedient white girl from the suburbs count as diversity.") and personal stories about her family and friends.  

"When Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her
grapes in half And stick with beer. " - From the chapter entitled, A Mother's
Prayer for its Daughter)

All if this is told through by women trying to work hard to be the best mother, wife, daughter, friend and professional she can be.  Although Tina's stories are often extraordinary (Not all of us hang out with Alec Baldwin and Will Ferrell everyday. Or are the boss of two hundred people on a hit comedy show.) her voice is ordinary; her struggles to balance work and family, to compromise her ideals and her reality, are universal.  She's almost unbelievably real, and undeniably funny.


xo kate