Thursday, May 19, 2011

GTL Thursday Guest-post: The Land of Freedom and Space

Dear Wildcats,

As you know, it is quite possible (although not probable) that DJ Pauly D is my soulmate.  Our relationship will mean that in addition to adopting a stricter GTL routine, I will also have to spend a great deal of time in Vegas--where he regularly spins.   As such, I have asked my friend and current Vegas resident, Hester, to give us the 411 on the land of freedom and space.  And so without further ado...


I was born and raised in Seattle, but have called Boston home for the past ten years of my life. I went to college, graduate school, found employment, made friends, ate well, adopted Boston sports teams, and built a good life in what I had once considered a god-forsaken land. Despite the freezing winters and unbearably humid summers, I had really grown to like the place.

Until, one day, my professional poker playing boyfriend proposed, and I was transplanted to this strange little part of the countrythat we call Vegas, baby. The lovely Dfest asked that I give the inside scoop on Vegas to the Wolfpack, so here goes nothing...

Las Vegas, Nevada: The land of tits and tips, where Holly Madison and Jayde Nicoleare in a fake boob fight, and where Kourtney Kardashian’s douchey baby daddy tried to stuff dollar bills down a waiter’s throat.

Vegas was built in the desert, transforming the land into an adult sandbox: Hordes of indulgent tourists pouring in, waddling up and down the strip with their drinks, standing in line for hours to engorge themselves at the buffets, ogling the barely-dressed gals that surround them everywhere.

All of the fresh produce in Vegas is brought via Fed-Ex jet DAILY, and the average electricity consumption is 2-3x that of the average citizen with nary a solar panel in sight. Vegas place is a sustainability nightmare and would make Al Gore very sad.

The locals are made of silicone and testosterone. It’s kind of like living amongst the cast of the Jersey Shore.The girls have figures like J-Woww and wear Juicy Couture sweats. The guys are total juiceheads with sleeves of tattoos, gelled hair, large monster trucks. Snookie would die.

Also, may I remind everyone that Sharron Angle almost won Harry Reid’s senate seat. Who the f#$% are these people?!?

Needless to say, I’m having a little trouble fitting in.

Yet I kind of like it out here. I’ve always had loyalties to the west coast. Despite being Asian, I have an obsessive need for space and freedom, which Vegas offers in spades.

Vegas = Royal Flush of Freedom and Space

The cost of living is also incredibly low, and the juiceheads and J-Wowws are actually pretty chill.

Also, despite the fact that the food is Fed-Exed in, the dining is amazing. All of the top chefs have restaurants here: Hubert Keller, Guy Savoy (his only restaurant in America!), Thomas Keillor, Tom Collicchio, Bobby Flay, THE Masa, Jean-Georges, and the list goes on. There are also tons of incredible cheap eats, like In-N-Outs, taco trucks, Hawaiian foodgalore.

The food, coupled with the fact that I have to drive, no twalk, everywhere, is making me fat and fatter. Just in time for my upcoming nuptials! Thankfully, my fiance and I joined a gym, where the gym members are all J-Wowws and Ronnies, so we are extra motivated to get movin’ and look good!
(We seriously joined the gym because everyone was super hot and fit.)

We’ll see how this all pans out...

In the meantime, I leave you with some Top 5 Vegas lists to guide you during your next visit to Sin City.

Top 5 Vegas Buffets
Countless all-you-can-eat sushi and bbq joints offstrip.

Top 5 Tourist Types to Avoid
1.      Middle-aged people at the club. No one wants to see old people grinding up on each other at a club. It’s not even tolerable when hot young people do it. The old people are worse because they’re so happy about being out and doing something cool and young that they don’t know how to handle themselves. They start arthymically flailing their limbs about and hitting you in the face. Actually, who are the stupid bouncers letting these old people in the club in the firstplace. Go to places like Marquee, Haze, XS, where you won’t be subjected to this nightmare.
2.      Old men with their trophy 20-something girlfriends. They’re everywhere and it’s sooooogross to see in person. Honestly, women, have you no shame? How can you sit there with your boobs hanging out and your nimble limbs draped over a wrinkly,old farty sack, laughing at his corny old people jokes. Give me a break.
3.      Drunk young people slobbering, taking their clothes off, falling down all over theplace, while yelling. These people act like they’ve never had alcohol before.Ugh.
4.      European tourists. Ok, I love Europe and I love European culture, but Europeans seem to have no concept of personal space. They come from these small confined lands where they live on top of each other. Then they fly on an airplane to the wild west frontier where there is lots and lots of land, and they still act like they’re in a box. Hello, people! We’re in America now! Don’t nip at my heels when you’re walking behind me. Don’t smoke in the pokerroom. Don’t blow said cigarette smoke in my face when you’re trying to talk tome. Don’t run into me on the wide spacious street. There’s plenty of space!! This is America!!Land of Freedom and Space!!! Ok, I’ll stop now....

Top 5 Must Dos in Vegas
1.       Get free drinks while playing the penny slots.
2.       Get free drinks while playing craps at a really crowded table. It has to be crowded,otherwise it’s not fun.
3.       Watch one of the Cirque du Soleils - O, Mystere, Love. Ka is aiight; Elvis isapparently atrocious.
4.       Watch one of the divas, Celine or Bette or Elton or Garth Brooks, live in concert.
5.       Eat at one of the buffets mentioned above.

1 comment:

  1. This is awesome and very helpful! I've never been to Vegas and I'm dying to go-not much of a gambler (insert Kenny Rogers joke here) but I'm really excited about all the celebrity chefs and shopping. The desert is also a huge draw, and now I'm going to have to add people watching to the list. Great post!