Kris Humphries was never in the wolfpack.

I love Kim Kardashian and I don't care who knows it!

Mostly, I love her sense of style and her hair.  But I do also respect her close family ties, as well as her seemingly never ending search for true love.

With the recent news of her marriage and subsequent 72-day-later-divorce, many have questioned my continued love of Kim K, citing numerous examples of how she not only spends her days whoring herself out to the media, but also duping and stealing from the American public.

Let me be clear:  Kim K is not my moral compass.  She is my style icon.

More specifically, when I'm in a tricky situation or forced to make a difficult decision, I don't ask myself, "What would Kim K do?"  Quite the contrary, my dear Watson.

Rather, Kim is my compass when I'm shopping.  Or dressing for a date.  Or trying to figure out how fake eyelashes work.  (FYI: they remain a mystery)

Kim K is never going to be compared to Mother Theresa or Audrey Hepburn.  Instead, she is going to be compared to Marilyn Monroe...another gorgeous, curvy, iconic female with a sassy attitude and a questionable code of ethics.

Moving on...

While I freely admit that I love Kim K...I cannot say the same about her new (but-soon-to-ex) husband, Kris friggin Humphries.

He is a dink.  A very tall, a very lame, rink dink.

I knew he was a dink from his first appearance on the trash television show, all the way to his very cliche and staged marriage proposal...complete, of course, with candles and petals and bended knee and dufas written all over his huge face.  Playa, please.

In fact, I disliked the dufas-dink so very much that I never even watched the entire wedding special...which says quite a lot given my aforementioned love of Kim K.

And now the marriage is over.  What a shock.  (Picture me feigning surprise and dripping in sarcasm all at once.)  Everyone is wondering:  was it a sham all along?  A flirtation that was milked for all it was worth? A little bit of puppy love mixed with the unmet potential for something more? A ploy for ratings? An opportunity for a bigger paycheck?  An opportunity to have a huge party and wear all kinds of glamorous clothes?  A sucker punch at the sanctity of marriage?  Another example of what is wrong with the values of this country?  All of the above?

Yes.  Unfortunately for Kim. All of the above.

But I'm not that surprised and I'm not that offended. Personally, I've always been a fan of twist endings and cliff hangers.   "Who hired Kris Humphries?" is almost as compelling as "Who shot JR?"

Almost.

The next time they hire a husband for Kim, I hope it is at least someone I can respect and look up to...

Excuse me while I go remove my tongue from my cheek, and please keep yourself occupied with this: http://www.vice.com/read/i-am-suing-kim-kardashian