Guest post: Neil vs. The Grammys

Katie and I might have missed the opportunity to blog about the Grammy Awards, but luckily my office-mate and bffl Neil has saved the day. He is here to validate all the "eh?", "wtf?" and "LAME" thoughts that were circulating round and round in your head last night during the show. Also, he's a dude. And its about time we had a dude's perspective up in here, dontchathink?


And so, without further ado, W&W brings you live from Neil’s Couch – The Annual Mind-Numbing Train Wreck Also Known as the 53rd Grammy Awards!

8:01 – Well, folks, it’s time for the Grammy’s, and that means it’s time for three and a half hours of awkward acceptance speeches, over-produced medleys, and ridiculously dressed celebs. Let’s see what music’s biggest night has in store for us this year! (I feel like a POW who’s about to enter the torture dungeon. This is gonna be long and excruciating and pretty soon I’m gonna wish I had swallowed the cyanide pill before they captured me.)

8:04 – Okay, just to set the scene for you, I’m watching this thing in my sweat pants while my pregnant wife Katie reads about childbirth on the Internet. Can you FEEL the excitement?

8:06 – Kicking things off with a tribute to the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, featuring Christina Aguilera, Martina McBride, Jennifer Hudson, and two chicks I’ve never heard of. Let the over-singing and awkward transitions between songs begin!

8:12 – Aguilera nearly falls off the stage after a seemingly endless Aretha medley. Man, she’s sooo on fire this month.

8:16 – CBS runs a public service announcement encouraging guys to get screened for testicular cancer as a Valentine’s Day present to their wives/girlfriends. “Hey honey, happy Valentine’s Day. I have ball cancer.” Good idea, CBS. Thanks for caring about my junk.

8:17 – Train takes home the first award of the night for that song “Hey, Soul Sister,” which I kind of liked until I heard it on the radio for the 13,485th time. One thing I didn’t see coming is that the lead singer is apparently married. To a chick.

Ricky Martin is seemingly wearing Justin Bieber's
pants and Angela Chase's shoes.
And it was a shock that he's gay?

8:19 – Ricky Martin’s pants win the award for Tightest Silver Nut-Huggers of the Night. Felicitaciones, Ricky!

8:26 – Lady Gaga emerges from a giant plastic egg and performs a surprisingly sterile and peppy new song called “Born This Way.” But she’s got pointy flesh-colored prosthetic shoulders, so I guess that makes it edgy.

8:41 – Solid performance by Muse, but I could have done without the weird futuristic dancers who were pretending to riot on stage. I guess they figured most Americans don’t know what the word “uprising” means, so they had to act it out. And they would be right. Now pass me ‘dem mayonnaise balls god-dangit!

8:49 – I’m kind of digging Bruno Mars combining some orchestra-style music with lyrics about chasing skirts all over the world. Great energy, but dude missed a few notes. Nice suit, though.

9:05 – Eva Longoria comes out dressed like a penguin to introduce Usher and Bieber, who then have a weird pseudo-gay reminiscence about when they met. “Hey Usher, ‘member when you discovered me and made me a ton of cash and pre-teen tail? That was sweet. I owe you one.”

9:09 – Jaden Smith just popped out of the floor wearing leopard print pants, which is already cooler than Bieber’s entire act so far.

Turns out Jaden Smith is cooler than Justin Bieber.  Who would've thought?

9:13 – Soo, I guess Usher can’t sing live. Wasn’t expecting that. Overall a very underwhelming performance by him and Bieber, yet the crowd gives a standing O. Must be electric zappers in the chairs, right? I hope my unborn child’s musical sensibilities aren’t being shaped by this nonsense.

9:14 – Best Rock Album by an Old White Guy or Muse. Muse wins one for the Brits.

9:21 – Gaga wins Best Pop Vocal, and keeps with the prosthetic theme by adding some flesh-colored horns to her forehead. That is sooo interesting! What an artist!

9:25 – My most anticipated moment of the night arrives when Mumford and Sons take the stage to perform “The Cave.” Totally crushing it. If these guys don’t win Best New Artist, I’m gonna…wait, of course they won’t win. They’re actually good!

9:30 – Strong performance by the Avett Bros, followed by AB and M&S joining up to back Bob Dylan’s corpse. I think I just saw light glinting off the strings that are holding him up Weekend at Bernie’s style.

9:31 – Dylan sounds even worse than I expected as he gargles through “Maggie’s Farm.” I guess the morticians didn’t put enough embalming fluid on his vocal chords. Seriously though, if I wanted to hear a guy choke to death I’d just go across the street and strangle my a-hole neighbor who walks around in spandex all the time and drives a Beamer.

9:44 – They just put Kings of Leon on stage with Miley Cyrus simply because they’re both from Nashville. I’m going to get some friggin’ Cheez-Its.

Cee Lo in an homage to Elton John, and Gwyneth in an homage to boring fashion.

9:48 – Just when I thought the Grammy’s were going to lose us all, Cee Lo Green comes out dressed as a giant peacock from space to sing “F You” with the Muppets. AMAZING. Now I just need Tonya Harding to come out of retirement and club Gwyneth Paltrow to death before she struts out and ruins it.

9:49 – Too late, here she comes.

9:58 – Hey, Katy Perry. Less singing, more jugs. America is falling asleep on your untalented ass.

10:03 – John Mayer apparently thought it was a Halloween party and went as Johnny Depp’s character from “The Tourist.” I’m kind of feeling it.

10:04 – Song of the Year goes to Lady Antebellum for “Need You Now.” These guys are so generic and forgettable that I’m not even inspired enough to make fun of them.

10:12 – In a rare intentionally comic moment at the Grammy’s, Seth Rogan makes a joke about getting high with Miley Cyrus. Way to push the envelope, Seth Rogan!

10:13 – A boring Rihanna performance leads into a super-angry Eminem and the much anticipated return of Dr. Dre. Pretty awesome. Dre is so buttery smooth, he should come out with his own spread: Land O’Dre.

Wait, is it just me or did Jaden and the Biebs just age a lot?

10:20 – Just as I was about to hate all over Bieber for winning Best New Artist over Mumford, they announce Esperanza Spalding’s name. Huh? I mean, HUH? First real shocker of the night, and it was a big one. Enjoy your last night on earth, Esperanza. ‘Cause there’s a 99 percent chance a Bieber fan has already rigged your hotel room with C-4.

10:35 – Mick Jagger just absolutely crushing it. Slinking around on stage and freaking everyone out. Best performance of the night by a man over 75.

10:46 – Babs Streisand performs one of those dreary 70s ballads of hers. Grammy’s really nailed that one. Way to have your finger on the pulse of America.

10:52 – Eminem wins best rap album, but seems angry about it. Get over yourself, dog. You’re rich and everybody loves you.

A rose by any other name...

10:59 – Sean Combs comes out announced as Puff Daddy, and for a second I thought it was 1995 again. Don’t push us. ‘Cause we’re. Close to thaaaa edge. We’re tryin’. Not to. Lose our heads. Uh ha ha ha.

11:03 – J-Lo and her freak husband win for Creepiest Moment of the Year. What a cute couple!

11:05 – Lady A wins Record of the Year, which makes total sense since they already won Song of the Year. I wonder if they’ll win Track of the Year and Ditty of the Year as well.

11:10 – Let’s wrap this thing up, CBS. You just lost my pregnant wife to another 45-minute commercial break.

11:13 – Arcade Fire, a band I’m just starting to get to know and like, performs with BMX bikers riding around on stage wearing helmet cams. Kind of a cool camera shot, but it’s distracting me from the song. Oh, and it turns out one of the bikers is well-known rider Matt Hoffman. I don’t really get the point of that at all. And I’m too tired to analyze it. Moving on.

11:24 – And the moment we’ve all been waiting for (I guess?)…. Album of the year goes to Arcade Fire, who all seem legitimately shocked/happy and immediately run back to their instruments to play another song. One of the few genuine and unexpected moments of the night. And it’s nice to see a truly talented band get recognized, especially since they clearly enjoy making and playing music above all else. Plus, if an album containing songs called “California Gurls” and “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F)” was dubbed the best music in the universe for even a second, let alone an entire YEAR, I may have had a brain aneurism.

11:30 – As the 53rd Annual Grammy’s come to a close, I realize there were probably a million more productive and self-enriching ways I could have spent the past three and a half hours. But I love music, and there were at least 9 minutes of good music in there, with some other entertaining moments sprinkled in. And tomorrow morning at work, I can waste even more time by looking up who won in all of my other favorite categories, such as Best Zydeco or Cajun Music Album (actual category). Ahh, nothing like some sweet procrastination in my Monday morning coffee.

So bon voyage, 2011 Grammy’s. It was a rough journey at times, but you got me where I needed to go on a Sunday night in February – to sleep. --Neil